ACED my prostate exam!
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me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.