“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
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According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Punctuation Matters. Period.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times