interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
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I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Wednesday
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
I only look at Wordle for the articles
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.