Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
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I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.