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Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
it’s finally my moment to shine
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.