Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
You Might Also Like
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.