Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
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Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
what could possibly go wrong?