for all #parents out there
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Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
The French word for sex is croissant.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
This is enough internet for the day.
Wait for it
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.