Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
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Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
english majors be like furthermore
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.