Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
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Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer