I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
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“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
I think this cat is broken
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes