#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
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Monday Lisa
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Whisper out to librarians!
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.