[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
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TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Good morning, Twitter x
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom