Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
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ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!