Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
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I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch