No, I would NEVER put you on mute
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A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.