Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
You Might Also Like
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Whoa 😂