Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
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no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.