8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
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Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
bury ourselves
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.