me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
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If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]