ACED my prostate exam!
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I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.