Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
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[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread