A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
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absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
My favorite female superhero