gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
You Might Also Like
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.