You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
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if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
I wish I could veto my bills.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Velcrow
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”