Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
You Might Also Like
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
How times have changed.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”