I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
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Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.