SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
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You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.