The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
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The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
stand with me against insufficient seating
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer