No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
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Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
me as a parent
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that