Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
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me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer