When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
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“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”