pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
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My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys