by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
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Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep