I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
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Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.