don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
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My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Overindulged this afternoon.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever