“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
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[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
I wish this was real life…
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.