Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
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Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Looking at you, Jesus.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Worth remembering.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what