When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
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Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.