With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
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Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.