The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
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You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Usage Guidelines
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties