I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
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Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Florida man
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).