[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
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Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Okey dokey.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.