customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
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LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
everyone’s a critic
I thought this was funny lol
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Who says great literature is dead?
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers