Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
You Might Also Like
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
This 4th of July, please remember…
Hilarious if literal: arms race
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.