HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
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First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever