I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
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My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face