I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
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My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.