What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
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Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.