Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
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[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?